You cannot imagine what it feels to stuck into the body of Himanshu Rai. It is like burning desire to become free from the clutches of emotional attachment. To carve a niche for something, neither fame nor money. It is constant pursuit to search for true meaning of life. The abstract feeling of escapism with the relations, materialism and world. Something inside is pushing me to rebel against mundane and sensible.
On seeing images, videos or natural beauty, a feel of transformation through barriers of time and space is achieved. The characters of the image get me hooked to their life through emotions. I rise and fall with their hopes, dreams and struggle.
We have become vast in our information about past and future but our present has become limited somewhere during this process of discovering time. Time experience becomes relative and feeling of pulse/second arises i.e. I became time conscious. When you are trapped in a remote situation, there is loss of sense of time and place in mind. An urge to run away or hide emerges from inside. Sense of what a wonderful world just sublimes away!!!
I was born in Neverland, traveled far in Bohemia, searching for Terabethia and want to die in Utopia. My body is rigid at one place but my sub-conscious(soul) wanders like Yayaver [A Hindi word, meaning an avid traveler.. or rather a person who is constantly on move ] in divine space filled with ideas. I am in Transit world traveling through time and universe. This world is cruel place where bullets are more exchanged than ideas. People preserve dead but ignore the living around them. Just want to say: Good bye cruel and chaotic world filled with everything but for whom ? Cosmos only.
From pages of diary--
Zerkalo(Mirror) : I am watching mirror at this moment of late night. Chaotic hair style, rough beard (facial hairs), untrimmed mustache and philosophical gesture adds charm in it. I am amazed by the sharp smile which seldom appears on my face. I look deep into my reflection of my eyes and feel the unlimited potential in myself. Now, the mirror takes me through it into deep and uncorrupted part of my soul/consciousness.
I am thrilled by thundering of ideas with a tinge of vanity inside chaotic mind. Then a sudden vacuum appears. Solitude inside me suddenly grows infinite in the silence. First vanity, then feeling of nothingness appears in mirror. I do not become mere observing protagonist but converts into the butterfly of chaos theory. Walls of time surrounds me before a feeling that we are more than a speck of sand in the universe.
I am not even bored by gazing a familiar face again and again. But the feeling of being just a stalker in present haunts me to do something. Everything will be lost in time. Only infinite and zero will prevail in future of nothingness....
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