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Sunday, June 7, 2009

About a Parasite

Warning: Don't Read this post, its highly pessimistic.

This is a confession and plight of mine mind.I was anxious and secluded from past 24 hours. No one was around me hence wrote all this crap (for you).

In the pursuit of discovering world, I got habit of reading books, blogs, wikipedia and news. Further, I had started to express my feelings in the blog. As the blog grows with the time, the writing became less reflectional but more aspirational for fame. There was veiled violence of sarcasm and hunger to capture knowledge in each words. Lot of information was captured but only few was transformed into knowledge.The wisdom gained was minimal. Most of the knowledge was lost in witty lines created for consumption of the readers who came at my blog with pre occupied minds for being amused and entertained.

I was also rolling in this world wide web for the search of new data, metaphors and being provoked. The sense of wonder, curiosity and amazement in others work was diminishing with time in the comments like 'nice blog', 'keep writing' and 'good work'. I was not able to involve into analytical reasoning or beauty appreciation for words & images thoroughly. In the rush to gather more and more as fast as possible, some vital part of me was left behind. I am dying slowly.

I had stolen, adapted, cheated ,twisted, innovated and compiled the words (read: lines & paragraph) for the sake of giving tadkaa (metaphorical flavour) in my posts. I have manipulated thoughts and emotions of mine into words to present theme in article form for others. I am working as parasite in this literal world. I gather knowledge about a person, his works or any topic by reading. Mostly I go through all previous post of the archives and incorporate them into mine views. Now, I argues and boast about my skills with others. The flame of writing is currently gone now and had already started Vichaar Shoonya series. Lack of originality is slowly eating me from inside. It feels like a guilt and cheating to the readers.

I am a extremist person with the addiction of hobbies from childhood. Comics, Cricket, Movies, Orkut and now blog shows my addiction pattern with age. I am the greatest escapist from mainstream lifestyle. Running from academics, relations and job; always unsatisfied and day dreaming. I have only pleasure of being content with the life but the temptation to enjoy immoral always sunk me in the long run. I resist the contradiction of my words and actions in the life but have committed plenty of sins in the heart many times. That is called Hypocrisy.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."--Oscar Wilde.

It haunts me like hound in my dreams and in thoughts but I fail miserably in putting something new and original. I just console myself to speak a message effectively. I am now pushing others to write and express their thoughts by creating blogs. Mediocrity inspires greatness. I am only creating that threshold level of mediocre writing.

The call of simplicity is completely absent now from my life now. I am swinging between extreme ends of happiness and sadism in my life. There is so much loneliness in my life that I will become mad now. I am also so much selfish and careless that I just can't attach to anyone now.The narcissism and fear of losing beloved ones to death is taking toll over my soul day by day.

तुम नहीं, ग़म नहीं, शराब नहीं, ऐसी तन्हाई का जवाब नहीं.

I have got now few grass root level knowledge of my motherland & world and disparities shown by the humans for other fellow humans. It has given me so much pain that I am unable to endure it. I cannot now campaign for humanity and peace. Permanent Anubhuti of calmness is absent from my life.The eternal recurrence of cyclic sufferings and pleasures seems to be never ending. My life is waste like anything much lower level than crawling insect in sewer lines.

Long back ago, I have read somewhere: "The wise want love and those who love want wisdom." --Marry Shelley.

I have none of both.
I am feeling like rat running in a circular trap.
I am fed with myself and this world.
I need a change.
I want to in love with someone ....

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