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Saturday, August 28, 2010

And this shit has got to stop!

2'o clock in the Friday night at office is a perfect time to break free. I am running out of the office to breathe and searching for a cigarettes to smoke out suffocation. I have just written a poem in my mother tongue. I was like on the verge of explosion due to this restricted lifestyle. I am on the verge of panic.

I am becoming heavily drug addicted to facebook, cricinfo, emails and blogging. 3 days at home had just passed in refreshing facebook status and reading some bull shit about world. And this shit has got to stop! The reality of the world depends on where you stand. Its heaven for some creatures and full of illusion and suffering for me.

The madness and complexity in relations is driving me nuts. Socialization by wearing a humble mask is making me schizophrenic. I wish to return to solitude and silence. Only that can bring order to my chaotic consciousness. Life is calling into the void, the wild inside can't be tamed by false love and sympathy.

I love the fragrance of the earth after the rain. Once upon a time, I was feeling close to the death and understanding of the world expanded exponentially. This increase of sensitivity left me vulnerable, open and fragile. The constraint to go social  is unsettling for me.

I am thinking about my past now. Its the illusion of great childhood. I had grown on the dope of idealism that was necessary also otherwise whole humanity became practical (crooked) till young age. Then, I thought about ours addiction to entertainment . I have seen porn clips and find it highly good sometime. But the question arises here, entertainment can be porn or not ?

Have you ever heard both Hindi and English version of 'Baavra man' song. They are like the old man looking back to his past for un-achieved love and wishes. Death seems to be more close and gives the feeling of mortality.  I relate to him in an unknown way by just hearing this song. Just bleak images of the poster of Wild Strawberries emerge in front of my eyes.

Nothing changes in the world however hard we try. Only death and life is inevitable and true. Rest of all existence is just Kafkaesque or Mithya. I am not even being or ever born. I only exist to understand meaning of the life and death. Its fascinating to live in present and blabber under mental turmoil. I will regret in the morning for this scribbler spirit of the night. These psychedelic moments and post contains enigma of mine life. This moment will pass for never to come back again like me.


  1. The mind has wandered far and far many times and has returned empty handed. Search is never ending; the more we try to decipher it the more we are entangled in its mysteries.
    These kinds of outbursts are necessary, if we try to contain it, it will give unbearable pain. That is where blogs come to our rescue in some way. Don’t you think it is extremely difficult to find a single person with whom you can directly share or discuss these thoughts? Then you throw it at your post and let the world think whatever way they think and you are no more bothered about it. It gives a sense of liberation, freedom to our souls. We feel a little light.
    I wish to return to solitude and silence. Only that can bring order to my chaotic consciousness. Life is calling into the void, the wild inside can't be tamed by false love and sympathy.

    I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.
    Society is commonly too cheap. We meet at every short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value for each other. We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are. We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war. We meet at the post-office, and at the sociable, and about the fireside every night; we live thick and are in each other’s way, and stumble over one another. Certainly less frequency would suffice for all important and hearty communications.

    -Henry D Thoreau

    I don't know whether I should wish that you should come out of this or should wish that let the time and nature take its own path and we leave these things to some kind of flow....Anyway whatever is right let that happen and even if that doesn't happen let what happens may be the right thing.

  2. AnjaanRahgir, I am not in the state of mind to reply anything to anyone. Just had dropped any attempt to wander my mind to infinity. I am struggling to balance career and money security with commitment to a life devoid of material things. Thoreau never married and live life devoid of any relationships. But what should I do ? I have decided to focus hard on making career in the field quite less known. Thanks for supporting even such abnormal outbursts of mine..



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