In Limbo

It's a emotionally fragile time personally. I am developing a numbness and suffering from the lack of love and inspiration. Life is derailed.  I am thinking : Are all my problems mere perception ? I remember a couplet of 'Ahmed Faraz 'to aptly describe my condition :-

अपने सिवा हमारे न होने का ग़म किसे, अपनी तलाश में तो हम ही हम हैं दोस्तों.
कुछ आज शाम ही से है दिल भी बुझा-बुझा, कुछ शहर के चिराग़ भी मद्धम हैं दोस्तों .

I have at present no unduly demand of friends and family. They have given me enough freedom as it would for the sage. I am caught in the whirl wind of personal attachments and a dream of growth. There is a mad man inside me with a strong wish to succeed and to sacrifice everything in this attempt. Alas, wishes require determination and hard work missing in this case.

I am mentally exhausted, frustrated and on the verge of depression. When you are uncertain about the future, any work can yield satisfaction. I have decided my future career goals, now failure and delay is blowing my mind. Neither can I relax, nor enjoy. Cricket World cup has came and gone. I disliked bleeding blue or green whatsoever in the mad ocean of cricket. Just can't concentrate anywhere.

I am still sane enough to denounce a time tested Indian psychotherapy of every mental hurricane : An arranged marriage. And whenever I speak up, only harsh statements are coming out and turning unpopular. The addiction of Facebook and choking of release of emotions is destroying self belief. I don't have any special person to count upon for support. I am lured towards alcohol and cigarettes for solace. May be they are only available or cheap option that's why !

Thanks to A Serious Man, I am listening to this Song Heavily : Somebody To Love

India triumph at Cricket World Cup !

Congratulations to the Indian cricket team. The Indian cricket team wins consecutively three tough matches at Motera, Mohali and Mumbai to lift the world cup. To see India beat Australia, Pakistan and finally Sri Lanka was worth pleasure.

I am not 'ecstatic' but feeling good about it. A transitory breeze of joy is flowing within.

India beat Sri Lanka by six wickets in a pulsating final to deliver World Cup glory to their cricket-mad population for the first time since 1983. Dhoni has sealed the World Cup Victory by slamming a six and it was fantastic to watch to see India perform on consistent as Aussie style of the past. A poetic century of Mahela Jayawardene was given a fierce and free verse poetic reply by performance of Indian batsman.

No body panics like 2003 final and calmness was worth proud. A sheer proof of self belief in the team. Mature India refuse to be beaten and now ex-coach Gary Kristen (Interview) has large role in this World cup win. Contribution matters, not the count!

And, M S Dhoni proves why he is the one of the best captains in the world - wins the world cup, T20, champions league, IPL and leads India to #1 in both ODI and test cricket. Indians dedicate win at Cricket World Cup to Sachin Tendulkar. This also saw end of an incredible career of Sri Lanka off-spinner Muttiah Muralitharan.

Enjoy priceless Sanjay Manjrekar, speaking to cricinfo and hailed Dhoni's leadership as the driving factor in the team's remarkable achievement.

श्रद्धांजलि !

Life itself is good no matter how bad it is. As they say, a man's life is incomplete unless or until he has tasted love, poverty and war. I have not touched anyof these aspects in my life. I had swallowed deceit, anger, frustration and horror in order to survive and maintain relations. End of a relationship isn’t always the end of feelings for one another, is it? Yet, I am ending my relationship with blogging activity also for a period of time. Kahlil Gibran has said on persons like me only --- Thus with my lips have I denounced you, while my heart, bleeding within me, called you tender names.

I am not finding any incentives to write from inside. I am trying to listen new songs, read books, watch movies and check score of Cricket World Cup. Still, a spark is missing somewhere or am not relaxed. Relaxation is not only of the body, it is not only of the mind, it is of our total being.

I had reduced the worrying, thinking and talking part to overcome emotional burdens of failure. दिल नाउम्मीद तो नहीं, नाकाम ही तो है| लम्बी है गम की शाम, मगर शाम ही तो है. I wanted to be alone and utterly silent, then absolutely in silence, watch myself. As Osho has aptly said : To be alone in the only real revolution. To accept that you are alone is the greatest transformation that can happen to you. I will come back pretty soon with the inner changes by searching what ecstasy is hidden in mine own being. I hope that the fear, cynicism and seclusion will make room for inner harmony.

More from Osho :  When you are alone you are not alone, you are simply lonely - and there is a tremendous difference between loneliness and aloneness. When you are lonely you are thinking of the other, you are missing the other. Loneliness is a negative state. You are feeling that it would have been better if the other were there - your friend, your wife, your mother, your beloved, your husband. It would have been good if the other were there, but the other is not. Loneliness is absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence. You are so full of presence that you can fill the whole universe with your presence and there is no need for anybody.

Listen to this song by Lama Gyurme - Offering chant.
Album - Rain of Blessings: Varja Chants



PS : Blogging को श्रद्धांजलि दी है तिलांजलि नही !

A Writer’s Block

I am facing the problem of Writer’s Block these days. Wikipedia describes the Writer’s Block as ‘a condition associated with writing as a profession in which an author loses the ability to produce new work. New ideas and words were refusing to come out of my head from last 15-20 days. The ability too look at flashback and produce some work is even seems to be confiscated somewhere.

Unsuccessful attempt at IRMA this year has worsened my conditions and inability to work pro actively at office has been affecting career growth. I was not emotionally drained out but exhausted to a certain extent. A zone of uncertainty has been flying over my professional future.

Today, I felt different from regular days. The bright and sunny day has given a new energy inside me. With INDIA going to work and school in full flow seems heartening. A song of movie Sarfarosh playing all along in the cab also lifted my spirit while coming to office now.

Cinema has come as savior currently. I have seen 3 movies of the same director recently and what impresses was the ambiguous dialogues of them. Chungking Express (1994), In the Mood for Love (2000 and 2046 (2004) . This period of depression has forced me to engage more in books also. I have read 2 books in 3 days, quite an abnormal activity as compared to the track record of 10 books read last year. I also have realization that all moderates are not liberal. The norms of moderates are indifferent to extreme in normal situation.

I am coming to the senses once again painfully and gradually.  I am Coming back to the Life...

Shades of Madness

If I don't write what I think, what's the point of being mad? But madness is sometimes over rated. When you are not able to think and even feel, it is the worrisome part. Relevance, Idea and Technique seems as far reaching personal goals at this spot of time.

The qualities of openness, patience and insight is deceasing at a slow rate due to mechanical life. I am feeling alone and ponder over my low emotional quotient. Beneath silence, all that is intimate, delicate and refined is crushed out of experience.

Reality is dependent om our sensitivity and the nature of the consciousness. One should never do anything against conscience, even if the friends and family demands it. Conscience is what will hurt when everything and everyone will give thumbs up for the word or act.

Through writing, I want to examine intimate of human emotions and controversial issues. Shades of solidarity with others is least in me but the taboos bite me. And distilling self experiences through word gives a bizarre feeling of auto-cannibalism.

I have read few Arabic poems in English these days. Despite of the loss of feelings in the translation, this desert language is the rhythmic and haunting in the nature. Familiarity with people or words bred not contempt  but love, understanding and tolerance. Relations needs to be revisited to discover fresh nuances of meaning. Still same damned emotions inspire more non sense than life in all forms.

I am not ready to accept that absurdity and irrationality as a prime factors on the decision taking ability of the human. I respect emotional integrity of human relations that is universal in the nature for scrutiny others.

It takes conviction and courage to take a stand and be on receiving end of all ridicule and criticism. In order to turn convention upside down, one needs a particularly firm grip on convention itself. Unconventional writing is difficult and a mere arrangement of clumsy and random sentences can't form an off-beat literature. The inherent incapacity for sustained constructive thinking blocks the continuity of the observation.

Flamboyance without content is apt to degenerate into gimmick sooner or later. We invest a lot of efforts to reach for fame within mainstream and the same popularism gives one an unapproachable aura. An individual raised to Demigod status through stupidity. That is a paradox of acting or writing on the public demand.

Sarcasm suits me as I am able to observes the hate, hypocrisy and superiority complex hiding deep down in the psyche of myself and fellow people. It helps me to overcome the harshness of the reality and, eases the pain of scars, deceit, violence and deep embedded anger against them.

I had great anger on caste, cultural, regional and religious traditions that limit one's identity through ghettos. The generations after me will not live this kind of life — that’s what I decided. I will change my destiny by just existing in my own skin.

I may be the silent majority but I am a loud minority.