Building Uttam Pradesh !

The importance of Uttar Pradesh in India's socio-political firmament is never overstated. The long perception of UP as badlands as well as cow belt region hasn't done any justice towards building its image. Even the movies located in the geography of UP shows a culture of revenge rather than the rule of law.

Uttar Pradesh is laggard in implementation to social scheme like MNRGES, NRLM, PDS and food security. Even the states like Tamilnadu had introduced mid day meal scheme in 1985 while the Government of Uttar Pradesh started the mid-day-meal scheme in 16 districts, including Allahabad district, from September 2003. Mulayam Singh and Mayawati are out of the depth with the good governance, and in the UP the depth reality of law situation does really go murky and deep. Also, there is definite culture of servitude in the bureaucracy, education, politics. The impact of casteism, class hierarchy, poverty and sexual exploitation on women is present in our society. Looking through negative talks defy the spirit within.

'Bad things happen when good people do nothing.' That made me think on the perception of the state. Yes, its so damn right. And, I am active on social network and in a position to gather a public voice on Uttar Pradesh. Hence, I had started Facebook Page : Uttar Pradesh (aka BuildingUttamPrades on Twitter) with my friend Rishab Deo. There is a huge social, religious and financial turmoil going in the state with the new era of citizen empowerment and old feudal mentality. In a democratic society, we put a high value on the right of citizens to have access to a wide range of opinions and beliefs. Only socially well-connected citizens with diverse opinions can even start the debate or affect the discourse of the ongoing conditions. Let us netizens go ahead and make ourselves better informed !

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My First Theater Show

Before speaking about my impressions of a theater performance Id like to say a few words about art in general. Noble Laureate Faulkner said that the only thing worth writing about is the human heart in conflict with itself, and I agree with that. Art gives a meaning to the life and help in carving a identity of a person amid monolithic routine daily life. Sometimes search for an identity takes a man back to controversial and uncomfortable part of life. The turmoil touches the person on a level far deeper than where modern lifestyle like Facebook, iPhones and tweets can possibly reach. And the person is not the same forever !

It was during November of year 2014, I attended my first show of professional theater. My friend Vaibhav Pandey suggested that we should visit a theatrical performance during my visit to Delhi.. We landed upon NSD campus and got tickets of Uff Teri Ada. This play is adapted Lysistrata created Aristophanes. It is a comedy based on sexual tension, nationalism, pacifism and feminism. The performance, lighting, songs, script and direction was a moderate success indeed and it left an not much impression on me.

The medium of theater left far more deeper impact than play on a cinephile like me. To share common experience and memory is the spirituality that cinema offer to human society. The theater seems to have more canvas, scope and imagination in comparison to the technical beast named cinema. I watched lots of movies. But each time I left a cinema-hall, the high that movies gave me evaporated. Hence, theater can be a perfect gateway for me if I learn more to appreciate subtle and imaginative nature of the art. I see theater as an informal education.  It is the quality of experience not the quality of techniques in cinema and theater that matter to me eventually.

I am hoping for more encounters to theater drama which are intelligent, subtle and honest than their counter parts. I want to listen the stories of endeavor that will be called pearls of wisdom. Certain things of art catch our eye, but I pursue only those that capture the heart. Everybody loves usual technical mastery, but only emotions capture more heart.

Books Read in 2014

“Why is America so rich and we are so poor?” I posed the question to my father in the summers of 1998. My father answered me as best he could: “India is a young democratic country of 50 years with huge population while America is almost 200 years old." I nodded in agreement, satisfied with the explanation. One answer unearthed a dangerous way to more questions.  I was a nationalist, theist and a more enthusiastic supporter of RSS version of India at that phase of life. I had complete trust in their claim of ancient knowledge and glory of Hindu India. So, why we failed to defend our country from foreign culture and invaders ? Why Hindus were treated like slave for thousand of years in their own country ? How to solve Islamic and Christian problem?

That started an active engagement with history books. Yet, I haven't touched NCERT books. I studied history books to have an idea of India. My grip on history was weak because, half-truths and myths are intermingled as historical fact. I wanted to know an accepted version of history - validated by both losers and winners. It was the reading habit that gave me the chance to think more deeply. Nothing was considered as averse and accepted with open heart in heated debates with friends. It's often hard to separate myth from reality. Reading diverse set of books helped me to find rational view in the haze of morality and deliberate ignorance. I was able to see that every perceived external interference doesn't involve a sinister plot. I was able to challenge infallibility of books and beliefs. There was not always misinterpretation by the reader. The travesty of the modern world history is to find a 'factual' narrative in the versions of religious 'right' and Red 'Left'. I concluded with a solid reality of our lives - Social Reality in past or present does not come, like topaz crystals, already made. It is well hidden in camouflage of culture, taboo and class in the maze of daily life. I had started not to view at history as a place of debate and multiple opinions, rather than reductive nature of evidences. Our history is a hybrid of facts and fiction, it is a tale nonetheless, which represents a sore reality, and I have tried my utmost to learn it in a sympathetic and sensitive manner.

If one doesn't contradict oneself on a regular basis, then one is not thinking. We all start popular readings for a start, then make own way. Everyone’s reading list is unique, but each is remarkable in its own way.I don't read today in order to master the craft of writing; I read because I like to read but surely it helps in putting words together. Imitation, it turns out, is a great engine for personal growth to some extent. I always travel through books, but never get lost in them. A lot of books are in the pending list for reading. Life is short for reading all I wish. There’s a more likelihood of me doing what is necessary but mot sufficient.

Books Read in 2014:

Our Moon has Blood Clots - The Exodus of the Kashmiri Pandits :- Rahul Pandita - English - 9/10 - Compelling Memoir of person giving us a brief account of ethnic cleansing.

In the Land of Invisible Women :- Qanta A. Ahmed - English - 7.5/10 - It gives a vivid description of religion, racism, culture and society of Saudi regime from the perspective of a Western trained Muslim doctor woman.

Hello Bastar: The Untold Story Of India's Maoist Movement :- Rahul Pandita - English - 7/10 -  A poignant book that explains story of Maoist movement  through the eyes of reporter.

Acts of Faith :- Erich Segal - English - 7/10 - A boring romantic story caught in the web of Jewish Christian relationship.

I am Malala :- Malala Yousafzai & Christina Lamb - English - 6/10 - A brave account of girl but written for people having not having clue on Afghan situation

And the Mountains Echoed :- Khaled Hosseini - English - 7/10 -

A Game of Thrones :- George R. R. Martin - English - 8.5/10 - A must read thriller in realm of epic fantasy novels.

A Clash of Kings :- George R. R. Martin - English - 8.5/10 - A must read thriller in realm of epic fantasy novels.

A Storm of Swords :- George R. R. Martin - English - 8.5/10 - A must read thriller in realm of epic fantasy novels.

A Feast for Crows :- George R. R. Martin - English - 8/10 - A must read thriller in realm of epic fantasy novels.

A Dance with Dragons :- George R. R. Martin - English - 8/10 - A must read thriller in realm of epic fantasy novels.

The Devotion of Suspect X :- Keigo Higashino - English - 7/10 - A detective novel that starts beautifully but was disappointed with sudden and swift end.

Why I am infrequent here ?

"Sometimes one has to be a fool in the beginning, to become wise in the end." - Irving Stone, Lust for Life

It is human nature to underrate the present and grossly overrate the past. Life is full of these strange vignettes. So it’s easy to see why what others would call strange is simply pure normality to a person. I had gone through many small experiences that has changed me in a way that I could never go back to the carefree person I once was. I feel neither responsible, nor easy-going towards anything. A habit of seriousness coiled the soul. Amid this habit of pessimistic outlook towards life, I kept blog as a a diary in order to express inner feelings. Writing is one of my favorite hobby that I pursued with passion to understand life in little details. I was in an eternal search for an emotional anchor from long time. Slowly an inner frustration bloomed as mental blockage that can't be put in the word. I stopped writing and became infrequent here.

When we are in relations for the sake of it, they only serve to crush our life. Even when we try hard to live a life to that didn't naturally suited often gave a quick route to unhappiness. The big question arrived on the scene - Am I wasting entire life looking for what looks like a mirage? Frustrating jobs, private life in doldrums, and no financial base were always on the margin. I was lost in the dark side of the personal quest of happiness. It becomes mental stress to cope up with self expectation to fulfill potential and combating peer pressure. I was in dire need of huge detox for getting out of this negative frame of mind. Some miracle happened on Friday the 13th.

I met someone. It was the the moment of time in life when one person changes the journey of life. It’s in these moments of discovery and acceptance that the life finally comes into its own shadow. We talked few times and met once. We are getting married in upcoming January. 'Nidhi' is the name of my better half. She is a lovely, mature and confident person. I have found calmness and peace of the mind in my life partner lately. I am finding time and energy to do things I used to enjoy, like reading books, and finding happiness in small things in life. But with rediscovered inner tranquility, I will prefer to do meditation, jogging, explore nature, or do the many other things on my life to-do list. Writing is like an aesthetic part of my life. That is inseparable from me, and  I will rediscover my grove.

There are pain and tough times in life to ensure a balance is sought. It can't all be roses and bloom. There has to be a bit of dark days to remind us to not be complacent and to not take anything for granted. Often failure of dreams often rock our sleep. And, when you hit rock bottom the only way is up. As we get older, we come to appreciate the tough times; Just as bruises heal quicker on the young, so do mental scars. Life's bitterest tears are shed in the graveyards for the words that were left unspoken and for the deeds that were left undone... 

Gaining wisdom is hugely healthy for mind and body. It keeps us fresh. I re-framed personal and professional goals. I have been a work in progress for several years, and is a long way from realizing the full potential.Things doesn't changed in a day or two, I am finding today love gradually over time. We are on a journey into the unknown; their heads are clear. For me this is new beginning and success of relation is event horizon ; a story in which the journey itself is as important as the arrival. It is the importance of the present and the need to recover waste time. In the life marked by more ifs and buts than certainties, to dream of better future with a loved one is daring act. To express unspoken and write from heart is nice gesture. There are small comedies and romance of the everyday life that occur, that I love them in my own search for life and place. I try to join in my own good memories through all kinds of experience, through thick and thin, and finding myself when self-acceptance kicked in. I I think, is to bear the bad days with a smile. If you can do that, the good days become more and more frequent.

Role Models

India is passing through the transformative period when we are shifting slowly from being a culture "based on a largely diverse but shared core of faith, tradition and authority" to one in which "everything under sun, no matter how fundamental or deeply rooted in values, is under the scanner of reason". We need role models more than ever in this changing phase of economy and society. We have either western educated elites, who always remain resentful for anything traditional or nationalists who see every change as an act of corruption to pious way of Indian tradition. We need examples of person who are not involved in corruption, conspicuous consumption and oppression of their unlettered citizens. They must be good role models in the eyes of their less educated and younger compatriots. What I ask may sound unrealistic perfection of the characters, but we can lookfor.

Role modelling is important for a person. I was once destined for bigger and better things through IIT JEE. In the eyes of society, I was qualified for a glamorous life in a metropolitan, a job with the prestigious MNC and the pleasures of such lifestyle. Yet, I never arrived on the scene. DNA of my values were completely different. This is because, I chose different role models in my life. I am always a person looking for 'Balance' rather than 'Success' in life.

My brain not physique has always been my asset. While growing up, my role models were different from others. I use to prefer Robin Singh, Andy Flower, Heath Streak, Lance Klusener and Rahul Dravid for their grit and hard work. They were athletes playing for a weak team and often end up with the losing side despite brave efforts. That was the core reason for me becoming a supporter of underdogs. The noble knights of mythical stories, animated series of superheroes and Bollywood movies also contributed in building a character. I came to respect values like personal liberty, freedom and justice above identity issues. I have strong opinion in the favour of Edward Snowden, Aaron Swartz, Bradley Manning, and Julian Assange who are people who have the balls to do what they think is right.  The journalist like Arun Shourie, Christopher Hitchens and P Sainath are a source of inspiration to me. I took persons like Deep Joshi as perfect role model due to brilliant brain, compassion and integrity. I am a person who will any day prefer Dennis Ritchie to Steve Jobs. I prefer a role model who can be remarkable for their "intellectual complexity, compassion, and resourcefulness";

Moderates are made not born. - Robert M.Calhoon

Act 3, scene ii of Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare (Mark Antony: "The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones". History makes people unidimensional and lives are summed up by a single incident. Hansie Cronje was my hero who can't do anything wrong. The Cronje Match fixing scandal was the most shocking incident with which the worship era of teenage years came to a disruptive end. It showed me that our heroes are fallible and the justice is important rather than following personality cult.  Even liking for a person must be built on hard facts. That was only half of the lesson.

The historical injustice are often mixed with our identities. There's a strong silence, sometimes people even don't want to listen leave apart understand it. Injustice is often inherent one in the system, it cannot exist without it. I can be an idealist and can be against everything—that won't change me. Can I look for some feasible solution ? I learn importance of practical and inclusive decision making from NDA government. I gradually came to respect Atal Bihari Vajpayee, Jawaharlal Nehru and Bhimrao Ambedkar for their role in political space. The other half of the lesson was delivered. I didn't turn into self righteous, cynical and vague critic due to a simple interest in politics.

I look for truth but am happy with less than perfect solution. That is why, I didn't turn a NaMo fan boy despite supporting BJP. Today, I am too radical for the conservatives and too social-democrat for the neo-liberals. I am committed to the higher values like justice, love, peace and freedom. I value excellence but pay heed to voices for equality. A person who shows me knowledge gets my attention but those who show wisdom always gets my respect. I am as reckless and foolish as only young men can be - and that is why ideological differences with family, friends and community appear in no quick time. I have a dry sense of the absurd mixed with humanistic, passionate and rational approach towards life.

It was one of the best moments of my life when I met Prof. M S Sriram at XIMB. He has an unsurpassed blend of the sublime and the precise knowledge combined with wit. I was much impressed with his gyaan but resisted taking his autograph for a particular reason. Autographs are taken by people who wants to collect soverigners and are struggling to find an identity for themselves. I am also struggling to build an identity. I want to explore it instead of handing useless bits of paper even to my role model.