My Childhood and Bambi

I started this post to write about ideas. And abruptly, the mood changes. I was lost in the illusory display of childhood days. Imagination weaved reality of our lives daily and archive it as memories. I have also my share of the memories. I had a pencil box with the cover of Bambi movie imprinted on it. It always come in front of my eyes whenever thinking about my life. The sense of surrealism has taken over on my imagination.

When I was 3, then my father lived in Oak Park area at Mallital. I have fainted memory of the school where I did my LKG education. Its name was St John and was established in 1844 and is located near Mallital. I visualize big images of Jesus on the church glasses, LKG class on the first floor and UKG on the ground floor. And I remembered myself baffling with alphabets.

I have good memories of Buck Preparatory School, Nanital. I have completed my UKG from this school. The school was converted into hotel in 1994. Googled about the founder and got the name of Cynthia Buck. She at the age of 91, passed away peacefully on December 26, 2008, in Houston, Texas. Cynthia was a lifelong teacher. She favorably influenced countless lives through the private, preparatory school that she owned in Nainital, India for more than 40 years. Don't know about her few moments ago, now feel almost connected by an invisible thread. Retrieval of the images gives enjoyment. Hand filled with blood cut by rusty iron or getting prize in the dictation test from the principal.

My father is in the forest department. Hence, I grow up at remote places in Nainital for the first 5 years of life. Places were far from the city. I remember wooden houses, fear of going into surrounding jungle, playing with ice and algae or jumping on the terrace landscape; Mother used to remove leeches from my legs whenever I return home in the rainy season. I always watch hawks flying in the sky and myself pissing on the valley side edge of the mountain road. I don't remember faces or name of the people anymore and lot of experiences are lost with the time.

Life appears distant in reality and close in memories. We mature daily and one day few memories just return back and making us to feel like old. 20 years has passed since leaving Nainital and suddenly this nostalgic childhood experiences comes on the surface. People say that memories are deceptive truth. They drag us back in the past that doesn't exist. I disagree.

Memories reflect on the life of the person. Sometimes an inconsequential event, face or news sticks to our mind. It keeps on appearing and disappearing despite however irrelevant or mundane, it is or was. Few things captures moments about past and future. All they appear as dreamy, nostalgic or as if they never occurred to me. The person in the memory seems completely different and full of innocence...

What was there in the past has been lost somewhere along time. The myth is laid on the flimsy framework of reality. Everything is possible and probable now. I gaze everywhere in the room to capture a second forever. And suddenly moments pass. It just cease to exist. And I am new person in the present. The past was/is experience or hallucination... just don't know. Is there any need to know also ?

Ten Issues - 1

The first step in solving any issue is accepting the presence of the problem. A man convinced against will is of the same opinion still. So let us broadened our opinions about issues here -

1- Before the home ministry raises new paramilitary battalions, it needs to ask why the old ones are quitting in droves. raman kirpal reports on a brewing crisis : Soldiers of Misfortune .

2- Taking offense an be a competitive sport. Islam is forefront runner in this game : Not Even in South Park?

3- Opposition to reservations for women in Parliament have centred on at least four points. Step by step Vaijayanti Gupta rebuts the arguments and re-iterates the case for reservations. Women’s reservation Bill – the 2010 story .

4- Need tribal voices for their rights to counter corporate propagandist nationalism. The Fall Out Of Dantewada By Vidya Bhushan Rawat.

5- David Mumford reviews Kim Plofker's Mathematics in India ;

6- In this interesting paper [PDF], Lant Pritchett argues that India, despite its economic strides and democracy, is a "flailing" state:

7- Micro-foundations of Inclusive Growth [PDF]: The aim of this chapter is to go beyond these short-term and sector-specific concerns to broader questions of policy making in India and, at the same time, to focus on the relatively neglected subject of the micro-foundations of macroeconomic policy.

8- Remedial Education : Research by J-PAL affiliates has shown that providing remedial tutoring for children who have fallen behind academically can improve learning outcomes. Evidence from their study has contributed to the scale-up of NGO Pratham's Read India program in 19 states in India. In 2008-09, 33 million children benefited from remedial education through the Read India program.

9- Dropout engineering a hundred orphan dreams. Society needs person like Rajesh Singh as their role model. Thanks Vivek Padmanabham for the weblink.

10- Selections from Dalit Writing ; Let me close 10th section with an old Indian tale which maybe has some insights. A father used to read his child bedtime stories. One day the child asked the father, ‘Dad, how come in all the stories you read, the hunter always bags the tiger.’ The father thought for a moment and replied, ‘When the tiger learns to write you will hear that story.’

Thought of the Day: Conversations have three levels : people, incidents and ideas. The lowest form of conversation is about people. When we go up one rung we reach incidents which have a slightly larger spectrum than talking about people. But the conversation which really matters is when we talk about ideas, because they are universal and live beyond time and space. - Javed Akhtar

Quarantined by a poem :(

GetUp-->Office-->Home-->Sleep-->

This is not the life that I want to achieve. The circular and monotonous loop goes on and on. Is routine work just enough for mine existence ? Is this post written in sheer frustration or addiction ? Several choices and questions, don't have guts to answer. I forget what was in my mind.

What I fail to see in my observation becomes most critical or taken as an obvious for others. May be my ego comes in between obvious and me. Life contains paradox, that's why there is nothing like truth. Search for absolute truth is extremism. Nothng absolue exist in the nature.

There is this arbit theory of world peace attained by pure rationalisation fails to understand. The world peace can't exist without war. Duality is here and will stay; Human nature is forged of both faith and reason while dominance of one let to the extremism. Duality of human nature is not considered. Man- Woman, Nirakaar - Saakar, etc; When good arises, the evil rises too. Beauty- Ugliness are just two sides of same coin. For every choice, duality will appear. That's why religion put God as one.

I raise my voice for rationalism but I am not against humanity. I have unbound love for the human life. I am not bounded by moral code of conduct or command of the book. I am free.

Many times, this struggle against brutal force for equality appears futile. When I find love and affection for me in eyes of others, the flame re-ignites. You know all about love when you feel it. I believe that love transcends all still history is against me.

Thanks for going through this bizarre post. I have edited this post more than 20 time to bring order in this chaos. Nothing works. And poem that inspired me for writing in middle of night : Safe written by Dear Rajjo.

Quotes for Refreshing mood:

It is myth, not a mandate; fable, not a logic; and symbol, rather than a reason, by which men are moved. – Irwin Edman

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - E Hemingway

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha

Nothing to write, much to say...

1- Have anyone watched or know about Iranian, Chinese or Russian cinema ? If yes, then you will know about the struggles of the director with state or clergy to express his thoughts in public. I wrote below paragraph after watching the movie Marmoulak :

Artists are born in the environment of suppression. The more the external suppression, the greater is the degree and urge for expression. Sometimes in their life, they met beloved one/ones and there art touches the crust. More the design and glamour in the expression comes from the dream or psychedelic effects. Drugs, weeds and alcohol are compatriot of artist. What lies hidden is the supreme desire of not being general masses. The expression disturbs the stable order of the society and creates ripples in the youth minds. And as the age takes toil on the youth, the rebel expression is submerged into the abyss of social mind. The rebel of art lies in an unfathomed corner of the the underground movements, far away from the burden of the tradition. The struggle in the conscious blossom in the works of them. And the hidden emotions are unbounded by their compassion to share themselves for others.

2- History, experience, reason help us in expanding our sense of justice and morals. With the natural progress of human sentiments, we start seeing justice and truth is the same light. I wrote these words about truth here in the flash one day : Truth can't be expressed in one liners. Truth isn't linear. Its circular in nature containing paradoxes. Such is the mystery of the nature... What we fail to feel, capture on the broken mirror of mind. And those deceitful memories gives you illusions. Mind helps in ejaculation of the thoughts through memories. Spontaneous releases the truer part and even feelings become muddled up with time.

3- Here it is summary on the creative people edited from a viewer's comment on the movie Five Easy Pieces (1970) : The film is an intense character study of an alienated, misfit drifter who seems to have no specific direction or place in life. Psychologists who study creativity have found that generally creative people contain a number of specific personality characteristics. One of the main characteristics of creative people is 'alienation'. In essence, he is a nowhere type of man. Creative people tend to be quite impulsive and open to emotional display, and are quite often labeled as temperamental. Many great creators have doubts about the quality of their product and the authenticity of their talent, hence the notion that creative people are never satisfied.

I will end the scribblings for today here with a couplet of Faiz-

निसार मैं तेरी गलियों के अए वतन, कि जहाँ, चली है रस्म कि कोई न सर उठा के चले
जो कोई चाहनेवाला तवाफ़ को निकले, नज़र चुरा के चले, जिस्म-ओ-जाँ बचा के चले
---फ़ैज़ अहमद फ़ैज़

Today, I am too minority...

I have a passion for watching movies around the world. My friends ask me whats the reason of watching an Iranian or Japanese film (with subtitles) with fair amount of effort. They vouch films for entertainment and I bet films as experience to grow beyond mine roots. Are we mere product of the social circle bounded by geographical or religious strain ? My answer is No.

The above paragraph gives the background of this article. An individual living in any part of the world feels same anxiety, fear and love towards other based on the local belief system. But this notion of local is expanding into global day by day. And staunch believers want to impose their faith forcefully on others without even understanding others. This group of believers (mainly religious) are threatening our co existence together with false tradition of casteist, racial and cultural supremacy over others.

Let me give an example: The idea "The earth is the center of the universe" was not a rational view but belief centered around the self importance. The claim of oldest civilization in the world is made by Greece, India and Chinese even today shows the strong ego centric claim of the society. An individual growing in this society will face heavy resistance if while investigating result comes opposite to the belief system.

If all religions are free to criticize each other, why could not a secular person do the same. One will be charged with blasphemous assault but never an action is taken against use of such religious verses. When religion is in the hand of state, the blasphemy is punished by law. There remains no chance for minority to survive in that society. State enforcing blasphemy laws will protect ideas from criticism by individuals rather than individuals from oppressive dogmas.

Taslima Nasreem, Salmaan Rushdie, MF Hussain and many others have been barred to express themselves either by state or religion. The 'Revolution is in the danger' slogan has also killed many liberals by the shrewed for the sake of power. The whole adrenaline rushing sacrifice for Nation comes from the hate of the enemy rather than love of the country. The belief of perseverance of caste, creed, culture and civilization from mixing is absurd and against the human nature.

The only guide to man is his conscience; Showing respect for other people’s ideas and beliefs is indeed sign of tolerance in the individual. There is an unwillingness to listen and to understand the other and accept general form of discrimination as societal norms. There is constant clash between faith and Voice of reason. People take tolerance as acceptance of their faith with no questioning. Voice of reason asks for the justification of each a religious doctrine that is proclaimed as true without proof. This creates a conflict in the society as people wants to be in their comfort zones of tradition. Here, we divide the world between us and others on the basis of identities. That's why in this globalizing world, the others is an foreign element that pollutes the local culture. The rejection of others and not treating others as equal merely on the old belief system is self harming. Admiring excellence no matter where it is produced and general attitude of openness makes a person rise above one's surrounding belief system. We never learn : Whatever we understand and enjoy in human products instantly becomes ours, wherever they might have their origin.

The above line is my answer to mine friends asking about my expedition in the realm of foreign cinema. To be vowing for pure, self praising and self righteous kills the scope of the learning and intermingling of people. In my opinion, religion is never an answer to anything but is a dividing force. Believers are idealists who see no reasons only their end goal conquered through quantum of leap of hope. Beliefs are what divide people. Doubt unites them. I doubt the dogmas that's why today, I am too minority in the world of believers.