What am I doing with my life?

I am not at the crossroads of the destiny square but this post seems to be pending from sometime. I am highly addicted by internet surfing phenomenon. But I am fan of the voice/opinion provided bt it to million of people. I stumbled across these lines about Internet and likes it very much. 'This World Wide Web is a wonderful invention. It lands you in unforeseen places (virtually though), introduces to unknown people (thanks to blogs) and often proves to be a fruitful way of fighting boredom at office/home when you have nothing worthwhile to do.' One such chance stumbling landed me with an unusual piece of art; a bizarre piece of artistic oddity – Om dar ba dar. The movie came in highlight after Anurag Kashyap comment that a song from this movie was an inspiration of 'emotional atyachaar' beside Underground movie opening scene. But I liked another song Tadpole Terrorist of the same movie. For readers information, the spinner Kachra of Lagaan is the main protaganist of this movie. It makes me nostalgic of old DD days of low budgeted experimental TV serials and Parallel Cinema.

Now,the this spiral vortex image is depiction of my life. I have my own share of problems. Life moves pretty fast. You could miss it, if you don't stop and look around once in a while. I just thought of halting here and look back down the road.

I am very passionate and assertive guy in full mood. Those who know me knew that i have two face of personality like Harvey Dent. One soft spoken, open hearted, happy go lucky philosophy and caring nature; The other side is jhakee, highly charged with rage, foul mouthed and self destructive. The mood swings between two personalities without me being conscious of it. I try very hard to remain far from sarcasm and controversy. But being reactive more than proactive always put me in shit of troubles.

Recently, I chat with a very very nice guy after 10 months and one of mine casual comment just puts me in apologetic and defensive approach. The whole mood of talk went wrong. I screwed my own image by this way. The chant went down after 2 minutes.

I have very bad record of in wrong position or issuing wrong statement at wrong place and wrong time. It is due to my open mouthiness. I try to stay clam and not to comment on private life 99% of time. Free flow of emotion in that 1% just screw it all. 1% has got more weighted and life turning events in my whole life. God help me in controlling my emotion. But how can he/she/it help in this regard, I am an agonist.

Endline: Just lay off my self centered discussion.Watch 'A' rated trailer of next Anurag Kashyap movie 'Gulal' releasing on 13th march 2009.

Comments

musafir said…
Important is to be honest and open with atleast some one whom you loved in this long journey. I am sure he/she/it will understand and accept you as you are if it is true love.
February 14, 2009 at 5:52 PM
Amritorupa Kanjilal said…
Hi himanshu, thank you for visiting my blog.
i really liked your writings. i think its cool to tell people exactly what you are thinking as it clears the air and removes scope for misunderstanding.
Sometimes it can get you a bloody nose oo, hough so be careful.
drop by my blog sometimes. i know i will.
February 18, 2009 at 2:20 PM
Amritorupa Kanjilal said…
thank you for pointing out the dumb mistake. i corrected it. :)
February 19, 2009 at 1:17 PM
dodoisland said…
Every seed we sow now is the fruit that we eat later. Whatever we sowed in the past is what we eat today.I dont want to look back...is what one half says..other says..you will be wiser if you learn from past mistakes..infact believes that get that level of awareness..where you learn from others mistake..but it is also true and accept that unless you ride a horse you will never fall..Turbulence is the other name of life. People who go to the river do not take things seriously.Yes they will be washed away by floods..so are the people living in desert should know that they always encounter mirage..any relations are like river and desert..always searching for that something that do not always exist..at the same time..wisdom says a bird in hand is worth two in bush..this capri is simple and logical thinking..not searching for mirage.. and will slowly but surely survive and get going even in floods..because we choose what we wanted,,will not cry with someone other than he or she or it considers close enough..as part of himself..however the other half does not want to share that pain..says i dont want your pain..i have problems of my own..despite that at the time of crisis..other half says..I want to share the burden of pain.. when the first half is hurt..goes into shell and comes out when it is spring..but seasons always change..that is belief..there is nothing that love cannot change..it is the most powerful message if used wisely..true love is not what you get..but what you give with no secrecy between them whether materialistc, emotional or body..both needs to surrender to each other..truly and consistently.....one half does not even think what he/she/it got ...other half always remembers what she/he/it did not get in that..true love is wht joy u give to other..one half fails to do that..to certain extent..it is easy to get up and get out of relationships..but difficult to build.which the first half always wants...to an extent that in flooding it stands..though bruised..knowing that eccentricity with ups and downs in behaviour. and burning desire to excell will continue to be hallmark...one half says be positive..when she/he/it does not want to take things at face value..but looks always for motive behind it...gets hurt and spoils herself..for someones words...5000 miles away..while the other half always reminds forget..dont analyze every statements to the last alphabet..but life is crazy and thats the beauty..with spring break..one half says to the other let us nurture our nest that we have built..knowingly or unknowingly..togeather back again if not for us but for our babies in the nest..what has been their fault..except being innocent..lets show the world and nomads that true love survives any floods and mirages in the desert and most importantly any migration..
February 19, 2009 at 6:15 PM
Yayaver said…
@musafir,I am honest with my self but highly deluded about the way of my life.Thanks for this valuable advice about love.

@Little Girl Lost!,I write to express myself,it may sound cool to you but with high grammar mistakes the charm of reading is over.Thank you for going through this posT.I have added you in my blog list and will be informed of latest updates on your blog.I am good in pin pointing mistakes. :)

@joieddevivre,Chill hona bahut muskil hai woh bhi after office.Either feel exhausted or numb.But you have came long way acroos to offer soothing words. Thank you.

@dodoisland,No body has ever written so much in recations/comment about me in my whole span of blogging era.You have just described me perfectly.And you are quite correct about true love.Really i am thankful for the words which has provided me mental comfort.True loves survive like desert rose....
February 19, 2009 at 8:03 PM
musafir said…
whatever i write you like it or not..mistakes or not...bottom line..is i love the rose that i have..i will not allow it to wilt in the desert..i will shelter it, take care of it and not hurt it.. and provide whatever is needed..this half did not realize the value of what it has..until it truly felt it...thank you for making me realize..i just want my flower back..in my garden happy and feeling secured..not live on daily basis..and worrying about tommorrow....i love the flower with or without nectar..wheather it grows younger or it ages..wheather it gives out fragrance or not..i want to hold on to it until sun set..i will be happy for you whatever the flower decides.. three things are true and this half ask mother nature to provide me the courage to change things that one can..or humility to accept things that this half cannot change..and wisdom to know the difference between the two..
February 19, 2009 at 9:46 PM
Yayaver said…
@musafir,You write like a poet about desert and rose.It was so rhytmic to read and feel the emotion behind it. I just feel out of thin air that you and dodoisland have same pattern of feelings and emotion.Leave the mindand my comment aside ,You must be very sweet and lovely person in life.
February 22, 2009 at 5:32 AM
musafir said…
I know that my flower SHY is yayaver...but the flower does not want to reveal itself.. when you surrender to nature you tell it all...if its true love..you surrender to it..i am aware that something is stoping my flower from deep within..and you are craving for change..the yayaver posting in what I am doing with my life and how to cheat your husband without him knowing by little girl lost..is exactly what the SHY flower is doing...I will alawys love my flower.. because it made me realize how much I love her..no matter what I will always love..I dont want my flower to be little girl lost.. i love you...
February 22, 2009 at 4:29 PM
Vee said…
OmDarBadar rocked. Waiting for Gulaal. 'Ghuss jaye re aeroplane'...
February 27, 2009 at 2:42 AM
Anonymous said…
Well each one of us manifest different personalities based on the environment we are in. However, very few realize this. Once we realize, I guess we understand other's as well better and overall have a more peaceful life :-)
February 27, 2009 at 11:52 AM
Yayaver said…
@musafir,I do notknow what to say now...
@vee,Omdarbadar isgood movie but most of the movie went above my head.I am too waiting for gulaal to rock the theater.Also in the mood to see Paanch by any means possible...

@Amit,You are right in your opinion. But realization part does not help without willpower...
February 27, 2009 at 10:56 PM
Post a Comment

What are people reading?

Lyrics of Title Song from Bharat Ek Khoj

सृष्टी से पहले सत्य नहीं था, असत्य भी नहीं अंतरिक्ष भी नहीं, आकाश भीं नहीं था छिपा था क्या कहाँ, किसने देखा था उस पल तो अगम, अटल जल भी कहाँ था सृष्टी का कौन हैं कर्ता कर्ता हैं यह वा अकर्ता ऊंचे आसमान में रहता सदा अध्यक्ष बना रहता वोहीं सच मुच में जानता. या नहीं भी जानता हैं किसी को नहीं पता नहीं पता नहीं है पता, नहीं है पता........... वोह था हिरान्य गर्भ सृष्टी से पहले विद्यमान वोही तो सारे भूत जात का स्वामी महान जो है अस्तित्वमाना धरती आसमान धारण कर ऐसे किस देवता कि उपासना करे हम अवि देकर जिस के बल पर तेजोमय है अम्बर पृथ्वी हरी भरी स्थापित स्थिर स्वर्ग ओर सूरज भी स्थिर ऐसे किस देवता कि उपासना करे हम अवि देकर गर्भ में अपने अग्नी धारण कर पैदा कर्व्यपा था जल इधर उधर नीचे ऊपर जगह चुके वो का एकमेव प्रान बंकर ऐसे किस देवता कि उपासना करे हम अवि देकर ॐ ! सृष्टी निर्माता स्वर्ग रचायता पूर्वज रख्सा कर सत्य धर्मं पलक अतुल जल नियामक रक्षा कर फैली हैं दिशाएं बहु जैसी उसकी सब में सब पर ऐसी ही देवता कि उपासना करे हम अवि देकर ऐसी ही देवता कि उपासना करे हम अवि देकर......
Read more

Kanpur Coaching Gurus

Image
Memories of coaching days at Kanpur are inseparable from me. I have done a separate post on Kanpur coaching mandi only. The most remembered image of my coaching days was the advertisement of Ankush Bhatia by Pran classes, and it was pasted on each wall of Kanpur. His photo was spread at distant corners of the city, showing All India Rank 51. Never seen any local marketing campaign like this. Sometimes, I recall the rush of students from one coaching center to another for seat capture, xerox copying of assignments, and 'out-of-course' study material. The JEE course was never completed on time in the Kanpur coaching mandi. At the end of March, the mad rush to complete the course began with various test series taking place simultaneously. I could not forget that pressure till now. I will never forgive Anish, Pankaj, and Vishnoi sir for combining their individual treats into 1 party for JEE-qualified students. For information on the pre-2000 AD days of coaching mandi, check this l...
Read more

An off beat Post about Me

Life is chaotically complex series of events, so beautifully woven into a coherent whole. And I am writing most about worldly affairs, Today, I present an off beat weblog about me. Writing : First and most important, I like blogging. When I found the power to express what was in his heart, I found the love of a lifetime. A rare habit that is even continued today with full enthusiasm and pleasure. Also, there is dire need of educated persons who can not only perform better but also express better. Writing skills help one to present himself/herself before others, and also enables to think. Hence, I always encourage people to write and read. Blog : I speak and write a bit harsh and with irreverence in the blog. Anything and anyone is subjected to scrutiny and there should be no sacred cow in the society or nation. I uphold the fact that if an individual spends writing in praise of the authority because of the benefits this brings — as opposed to objective assessment — then t...
Read more

Bahadur Shah Zafar - Last Mughal King

Lagta Nahin Hai Dil Mera Ujde Dayar Mein Kiski Bani Hai Aalam-e-Napaidar Mein Bulbul ko baghban se na sayyaad se gila Kismat mein kayd thi likhi fasle-bahaar mein Kehdo In Hasraton Se Kahin Aur Ja Basen Itni Jagah Kahan Hai Dil-e-Daagdaar Mein Umr-e-Daraz Mang Ke Laye The Chaar Din Do Aarzoo Mein Kat Gaye Do Intezaar Mein Din zindagi ke khatm hue shaam aa gayi phaila ke paanv soyenge koonje mazaar mein Kitna Hai Badnaseeb “Zafar” Dafn Ke Liye Do Gaz Zameen Bhi Na Mili Koo-e-Yaar Mein English Translation: My heart is not happy in this despoiled land Who has ever felt fulfilled in this transient world The nightingale laments neither to the gardener nor to the hunter Imprisonment was written in fate in the season of spring Tell these emotions to go dwell elsewhere Where is there space for them in this besmirched heart? I had requested for a long life a life of four days Two passed by in praying/wishing, and two in waiting. The days of life are over, Its evening of death Now I can sleep w...
Read more

Title songs of Old Doordarshan Serials

Friends i got these title songs on these links.Anybody interested can download them directly from these links. Have nice time and old doordarshan serials were simply rocking Baje sargam :-- http://www.talkbangalore.com/braindose_dd/bajesargam.mp3 Byomkesh bakshi :- http://www.braindose.com/dd/multimedia/byomkeshbakshi.mp3 Duck Tales:-- http://www.braindose.com/dd/multimedia/ducktales.mp3 Ek Chidiya:-- http://www.talkbangalore.com/braindose_dd/ekchidiya.mp3 Hamara Bajaj:-- http://www.braindose.com/dd/multimedia/hamarabajaj.mp3 Jungle book : -- http://www.braindose.com/dd/multimedia/junglebook.mp3 Karmanyen:-- http://www.braindose.com/dd/multimedia/karmanye.mp3 Malgudi days:-- http://www.braindose.com/dd/multimedia/malgudidays.mp3 Milesur :-- http://www.talkbangalore.com/braindose_dd/milesur.mp3 School Chale hum:-- http://www.talkbangalore.com/braindose_dd/schoolchalehum.mp3 Srishti se pehle:-- http://www.talkbangalore.com/braindose_dd/sristisepehle.mp3 Surabhi :-- http://www.braindose.c...
Read more