The Boring Sermon of Devil

Personal Life :-

I was recently made joke by naming me as an 'Intellectual' (a much abused word that means Boring). As for words of Christopher Hitchens :- The usual duty of the 'intellectual' is to argue for complexity and to insist that phenomena in the world of ideas should not be sloganized or reduced to easily repeated formulae. Hence, quite a pseudo character for me. There are two characteristics of mine : Irreverence and Skepticism that I cherish most. I can assure you personally that they can generate surprisingly constructive results if combined with love and compassion.

My Childhood was shaped by the parents, friends, relatives, neighbors and teachers in a quite confined surrounding of home, school and colony. As a scholar in the college, I can retrospect my life as a a simple story into a complex one with time. I was never sharp, ambitious, hard or cynical. It was a moody, dreamy character with a sincere, naive idealist, motivated more by vague yearnings than concrete plans. May be environment around me does not place ambition above all, but was philosophical, accepting and optimistic.

I started ridiculing over unjust world like everyone without even understanding the root cause . So looking for the solution was not in the picture. When inquiry for the root cause begins, it turned to be nightmare. Beyond ridiculing the most banal situations, I realized painfully the insignificance of one's existence. Then gradually, I drifted from the pleasures of life towards boring intellectual talks. There were few light moments providing with a slight relief but much time invested in gaining knowledge, vain efforts and solitude.

And then I realized that there is all the difference in the world between treating people equally and attempting to make them equal. Now, I want to depict in a tangible way the solitude and morality of humans through words. I speak and write a bit harsh for the reader (Quite Middle and Elite class) there to wake them from the dream. There is a whole humanity to embrace as our own and the time is running out fast.

People are doing well, earning good money, and own a house, and so want to ‘enjoy life’ only. Then, why I am so ranting on everyone. I am fighting for improving this system only so that you can cherish and enjoy life. To make the world that I share with you a happy and peaceful place for billions of us.

Public View:-

"Distinctions between westernisation and modernisation have not touched the bulk of western educated modern Indians, who are convinced that their future lies in being exactly like Europe and North America."---Ashis Nandy

I am rooting for this modernization in order to reform our social, political and economic system, which is full of bias, inequality and discrimination that conflict with our fundamental rights. People are not modernizing with the secular, democratic, republic and liberty concepts of state. They are still divided and fighting over the religion, race and caste background. Religious agendas confuses people, engages them in the conspiracy theories, and decreases society’s collective ability to make sensible decisions.

It is apathy of well educated middle class and casual nihilistic view of the elites is letting us down. Middle-classes of India especially want to make the world a better place. Just like their drawing-rooms !

Law can't change human. The struggle at grass root level is always finished by the conscious of the masses. The society’s collective ability to make sensible decisions always have to be governed by will of the people and inclusive path laid down by wise and just people. No class should be eliminated for the sake of development and even it has to be happened for greater good. Cohesion of elite with the support middle class is needed to uplift threshold conditions of life for everyone.

Every person has a right to live and enjoy the life irrespective of his peculiar background, hobbies or choices.  While doing a job is not enough, one has to check whether the system is inclusive and providing justice or not. One has to design a system where one can at least have a shelter to meet his all requirements and opportunities to improve.

A hungry person on the streets is not going to care whether or not their nation has superpower status or not if he/she are sleeping every night on the empty stomach. The forcibly displaced people seek refuge and livelihood in the city to find themselves again evicted from their jhuggis in the name of cleaning the city and ‘development’.

It is holding on the hope of the unprivileged individual cut from all high connections that his/her life will be better through hard work and honesty one day. The day that hope will die, that will be the beginning of the night of the death of all those beneficiaries of present state. And they can never guess in their wild dreams what has triggered and caused their fall. All 'shining' and 'rising' slogan will meet a sudden abrupt revolutionary and apocalyptic end.

It leads us to basic premise of the plot : Does one can't develop without exploiting others ? A hard nut case for me to crack individually. But we all together can. And here again at the end of this section, I find myself preaching like devil to flush away the dogmas... What an asshole I am !

Bye Bye CSC

Sometimes life gives you the finger and sometimes it gives you a gift also. Desire rather than reason governed human behavior has helped me to achieve a short term goal.

I resigned from CSC on 14th April, on auspicious Tamil New Year. Why ? I have been selected for admission to two year full time Programme for Postgraduate Diploma in Rural Management, 2011-2013 at XIMB (Bhubaneshwar). So dream of going for rural management course will be completed in XIMB, not in IRMA. Anyways, first step taken for a long term.

The era of self confinement is nearly over. This tranquil solitude has helped me to develop vigorous individuality.  I learn that : 1) Never evaluate one's success through the standards set by others. 2) Transparent character melts distrust. 3) Be alert with the trap of self persuasion.

Engineers are considered as the individuals whose ideas and expertise made possible technology-based economic output. Engineering field is quite a finished business now. The era of Mechanical Engineer by degree and Information Security Engineer by job is over. I will add little social perspective to this management programme in further studies now on.

Knowing my limit as mediocre, I will push the boundaries and extend my creative instinct. I have shortcomings that I lack the courage to be real soldier or real dissident. So will do best this time in the college now.

Thanks to Varun Grover for his tip that Irreverence will take you further than you can imagine. That was a advise that I ignored first. But finding it much true day by day.

The Chronicles of Wasted Time

“We do not remember days, we remember moments” – Cesare Pavese

Carefree days are most productive of our life. They may not seem apparent at first view but the reflection on your life will prove it. Traveling down the memory lane, one gets a vivid glimpse of the time enjoyed is not time wasted overall. Old ways die hard and even now in the fast-changing corporate words, some old ways die harder than others. Killing time is one of them.

It was not a time to be killed but intentionally I annihilated it. To rephrase the undertone its the look on "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love doing nothing in ITBHU ". And any resemblance to real events, to persons living or dead, is not accidental. It is intentional.

1- Lanketing : (spending time at Lanka crossing) outside the main gate of the university was the favorite pastime in the night. Bun-butter, Lassi & Pan will be taken as starters  and then enjoying the world famous ghats on the banks. If anyone has ever spend a night-out at assi ghat, the early morning view, the sunrise, you will wish to spend every night there..

2-  Food Corner: One famous heritage of BHU, VT and other landmark of our gatherings, LC. The chai samosa with remarks @limbdi corner , unforgettable. People spent their four year of life on the benches only. That is breathe of its magic affair. It was the milkshake and the peace inside temple that attracted us most at VT while an adapted post about Limbdi Corner @IT BHU written by Pablo will explain my feelings better on LC. And I am not mentioning about DG corner, Chaube Ji's Juice Shop and IT cafeteria.

3-  BC (Baat Cheet or Bakchodi) : We all debate with certain immaturity but with certain passion. Our Bakchodi starts through lengthy discussions on pending state of ITBHU conversion to IIT. Add to that the amazing series of sessions, we went through about Share Market, Cinema and Cricket with ripping apart both fiction and non fiction literature. I was growing in the mind and soul while speculating the future. Mess with parathas was one such public place of  leg pulling session . Anyways, I loved the food over there and especially zeera fried daal and rasana.

4- Party Time : Alcohol provides a slight buzz of inspiration as LSD, a psychedelic drug has provided this world with the great music, art and literature of a generation. I was not involved much but few shots and their hangover were worth remembering. To defy the parental ban on drinking, I tasted the alcohol. And suddenly know that these small revolution affirm the human nature of disobedience and protest.Thanks IT for this liberty.

5- Extra Curricular Activities : That was much dominated by LAN Games compromising of Unreal Tournament, Counter Strike, AOE and Quake . One more way of enjoying time. I never participated in music, theater and games. So mostly cut off to explain about minds of individual involved in this. I can surely say that only the time that went asleep in Varanasi was time wasted.

There was also a MBA cult where huge time was spent for preparing CAT entrance. Guys dreaming for MS were little less and mainly engaged in their affair with Baron GRE guide. So many memories of obsessive affair of ours with cricket match. The devoted crowd at the common hall in the front of 19 Inch TV set was amazing. I was a alone creature but there were many with the experience of  encounter and affairs with girls and boys (So called bluff claim or designation of gay ). There is so much to tell about ITBHU and so much vanishing memories with each day !

It was just not me who wasted time but many guys with exclusivity in a certain area. There were many ITians with there own stories and gossips. One question comes before writing all this : Do I really need to record my experiences of ITBHU here ? It may be a mediocre writing in the eyes of most people and in the realm of world blogging. Still, a fact remains. If we don’t tell our stories, then who will?

In Limbo

It's a emotionally fragile time personally. I am developing a numbness and suffering from the lack of love and inspiration. Life is derailed.  I am thinking : Are all my problems mere perception ? I remember a couplet of 'Ahmed Faraz 'to aptly describe my condition :-

अपने सिवा हमारे न होने का ग़म किसे, अपनी तलाश में तो हम ही हम हैं दोस्तों.
कुछ आज शाम ही से है दिल भी बुझा-बुझा, कुछ शहर के चिराग़ भी मद्धम हैं दोस्तों .

I have at present no unduly demand of friends and family. They have given me enough freedom as it would for the sage. I am caught in the whirl wind of personal attachments and a dream of growth. There is a mad man inside me with a strong wish to succeed and to sacrifice everything in this attempt. Alas, wishes require determination and hard work missing in this case.

I am mentally exhausted, frustrated and on the verge of depression. When you are uncertain about the future, any work can yield satisfaction. I have decided my future career goals, now failure and delay is blowing my mind. Neither can I relax, nor enjoy. Cricket World cup has came and gone. I disliked bleeding blue or green whatsoever in the mad ocean of cricket. Just can't concentrate anywhere.

I am still sane enough to denounce a time tested Indian psychotherapy of every mental hurricane : An arranged marriage. And whenever I speak up, only harsh statements are coming out and turning unpopular. The addiction of Facebook and choking of release of emotions is destroying self belief. I don't have any special person to count upon for support. I am lured towards alcohol and cigarettes for solace. May be they are only available or cheap option that's why !

Thanks to A Serious Man, I am listening to this Song Heavily : Somebody To Love

श्रद्धांजलि !

Life itself is good no matter how bad it is. As they say, a man's life is incomplete unless or until he has tasted love, poverty and war. I have not touched anyof these aspects in my life. I had swallowed deceit, anger, frustration and horror in order to survive and maintain relations. End of a relationship isn’t always the end of feelings for one another, is it? Yet, I am ending my relationship with blogging activity also for a period of time. Kahlil Gibran has said on persons like me only --- Thus with my lips have I denounced you, while my heart, bleeding within me, called you tender names.

I am not finding any incentives to write from inside. I am trying to listen new songs, read books, watch movies and check score of Cricket World Cup. Still, a spark is missing somewhere or am not relaxed. Relaxation is not only of the body, it is not only of the mind, it is of our total being.

I had reduced the worrying, thinking and talking part to overcome emotional burdens of failure. दिल नाउम्मीद तो नहीं, नाकाम ही तो है| लम्बी है गम की शाम, मगर शाम ही तो है. I wanted to be alone and utterly silent, then absolutely in silence, watch myself. As Osho has aptly said : To be alone in the only real revolution. To accept that you are alone is the greatest transformation that can happen to you. I will come back pretty soon with the inner changes by searching what ecstasy is hidden in mine own being. I hope that the fear, cynicism and seclusion will make room for inner harmony.

More from Osho :  When you are alone you are not alone, you are simply lonely - and there is a tremendous difference between loneliness and aloneness. When you are lonely you are thinking of the other, you are missing the other. Loneliness is a negative state. You are feeling that it would have been better if the other were there - your friend, your wife, your mother, your beloved, your husband. It would have been good if the other were there, but the other is not. Loneliness is absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence. You are so full of presence that you can fill the whole universe with your presence and there is no need for anybody.

Listen to this song by Lama Gyurme - Offering chant.
Album - Rain of Blessings: Varja Chants



PS : Blogging को श्रद्धांजलि दी है तिलांजलि नही !

A Writer’s Block

I am facing the problem of Writer’s Block these days. Wikipedia describes the Writer’s Block as ‘a condition associated with writing as a profession in which an author loses the ability to produce new work. New ideas and words were refusing to come out of my head from last 15-20 days. The ability too look at flashback and produce some work is even seems to be confiscated somewhere.

Unsuccessful attempt at IRMA this year has worsened my conditions and inability to work pro actively at office has been affecting career growth. I was not emotionally drained out but exhausted to a certain extent. A zone of uncertainty has been flying over my professional future.

Today, I felt different from regular days. The bright and sunny day has given a new energy inside me. With INDIA going to work and school in full flow seems heartening. A song of movie Sarfarosh playing all along in the cab also lifted my spirit while coming to office now.

Cinema has come as savior currently. I have seen 3 movies of the same director recently and what impresses was the ambiguous dialogues of them. Chungking Express (1994), In the Mood for Love (2000 and 2046 (2004) . This period of depression has forced me to engage more in books also. I have read 2 books in 3 days, quite an abnormal activity as compared to the track record of 10 books read last year. I also have realization that all moderates are not liberal. The norms of moderates are indifferent to extreme in normal situation.

I am coming to the senses once again painfully and gradually.  I am Coming back to the Life...

Shades of Madness

If I don't write what I think, what's the point of being mad? But madness is sometimes over rated. When you are not able to think and even feel, it is the worrisome part. Relevance, Idea and Technique seems as far reaching personal goals at this spot of time.

The qualities of openness, patience and insight is deceasing at a slow rate due to mechanical life. I am feeling alone and ponder over my low emotional quotient. Beneath silence, all that is intimate, delicate and refined is crushed out of experience.

Reality is dependent om our sensitivity and the nature of the consciousness. One should never do anything against conscience, even if the friends and family demands it. Conscience is what will hurt when everything and everyone will give thumbs up for the word or act.

Through writing, I want to examine intimate of human emotions and controversial issues. Shades of solidarity with others is least in me but the taboos bite me. And distilling self experiences through word gives a bizarre feeling of auto-cannibalism.

I have read few Arabic poems in English these days. Despite of the loss of feelings in the translation, this desert language is the rhythmic and haunting in the nature. Familiarity with people or words bred not contempt  but love, understanding and tolerance. Relations needs to be revisited to discover fresh nuances of meaning. Still same damned emotions inspire more non sense than life in all forms.

I am not ready to accept that absurdity and irrationality as a prime factors on the decision taking ability of the human. I respect emotional integrity of human relations that is universal in the nature for scrutiny others.

It takes conviction and courage to take a stand and be on receiving end of all ridicule and criticism. In order to turn convention upside down, one needs a particularly firm grip on convention itself. Unconventional writing is difficult and a mere arrangement of clumsy and random sentences can't form an off-beat literature. The inherent incapacity for sustained constructive thinking blocks the continuity of the observation.

Flamboyance without content is apt to degenerate into gimmick sooner or later. We invest a lot of efforts to reach for fame within mainstream and the same popularism gives one an unapproachable aura. An individual raised to Demigod status through stupidity. That is a paradox of acting or writing on the public demand.

Sarcasm suits me as I am able to observes the hate, hypocrisy and superiority complex hiding deep down in the psyche of myself and fellow people. It helps me to overcome the harshness of the reality and, eases the pain of scars, deceit, violence and deep embedded anger against them.

I had great anger on caste, cultural, regional and religious traditions that limit one's identity through ghettos. The generations after me will not live this kind of life — that’s what I decided. I will change my destiny by just existing in my own skin.

I may be the silent majority but I am a loud minority.

Blog Post Number 500

The journey of four years of blogging has touch the milestone of 500th post today. What I learned in this journey has brought enormous changes inside me. Unlearning of false traditions has taken lot of time and efforts but it was a worth living experience. The idea of personal solidarity and the idea of societal cooperation are two conflicting concepts that has tormented me as a scholar. It is like dilemma of looking for the independence without becoming alien to one's surroundings.

Education is never over-rated. An institution is meant to broaden your horizon but self learning also makes you more open minded. We might go to an Ivy League/IIT/IIM and come out with nothing or might go to a decent school and come out with a lot. What has started as a hobby in the college has been taken by me as a serious learning portal and it has paid me much in the level of insights of human behavior.

These four years of writing creates the illusion of a linear narrative and gives events the semblance of a beginning, a middle, and an end. Real life is never like that; I had observed the past from a deterministic point of view, where causes lead to effects. While world is more probabilistic in nature here outcomes are driven by invisible or chance events.

To discredit uncertainty in a documenting rules of the process with the acquired knowledge is to deny the element of chaos and chance in planning for future. Predictions can be falsified and uncertainty has an empirical significance. Trial and error is only way to the growth in the world of experience and learning. That I learned on how to see the future.

We tend to fit our perceptions of the world into the model we have constructed in our minds about how the world works. It is easier to accept as valid evidence that fits our model than it is evidence that doesn’t. Some of this filtering is at an unconscious level – our minds are constantly trying to make valid perceptions out of the evidence of the senses.

I am still focused more on those matters in society which we can easily target, rather than those which needs to be self-corrected. The life has new goals as one of them is to empower individuals through education and to promote the kind of diversity which genuinely enriches a culture and democracy. I will present now a brilliant paragraph read today aptly suited on wisdom of life by Rational Fool :

Regimes come and go. So do gods, messiahs, and religions. What endure are ideas, ideas tested by reason and evidence. The ideas of liberty and equality - that all people are free and equal, and no individual or collective may be granted exclusive privileges and immunities in law - these are enduring ideals that have guided humanity along the path of civilization. The rest, however passionately embraced by the populace at a moment in history, are destined to perish in the Darwinian struggle for survival. I never tired of quoting Queen Sheelavati from the film, Anaahat, directed by Amol Palekhar: "Wisdom," she said to her troubled husband and the King of Shravasti, "is knowing the difference between the transient and the eternity".

Bohemian Rhapsody

The ones who do speak up in mainstream are irrelevant and noisy and the ones who could be relevant are quiet, unheard or ignored. It feels so good when you support and promote a project from the heart and later mainstream adopt and accept as its own. Same feeling is coming for the film 'Udaan'. I always have a gutsy feeling that big dreams of marginalized individual will bring monumental changes in India one day. There is a cynicism and lethargy attached in learning and doing of mainstream traditional institutions and people. Only few with passion are free from TBTC (Too Busy To Care) syndrome. The only difference between a professional and an enthusiast is that an enthusiast is willing to take risk and accepts deferred gratifications whereas a professional does not want to take the risk, and wants to be rewarded immediately. Leave apart these talks of others and come to the hotchpotch walk of my life;

As, the famous poet Al-Bayati moved between his homeland and the rest of the world. "I've always searched for the sun's springs," he said, "When a human being stays in one place, he's likely to die. People too stagnate like water and air. Therefore the death of nature, of words, of the spirit has prompted me to keep traveling, so as to encounter new suns, new springs, new horizons. A whole new world being born."

I don't travel much and has a monotonous work schedule in the life. While returning from office, I always watch the dusk. The sunset ignites the idea of mundane life, transient time and a deep urge for existence. I go deep inside and many questions are born in these vague moments of thoughtlessness. I transcend into an awkward reality with an invented illusion of abstract values. I always feel amazed that these moments shape up with/without purpose.

Life is somehow unfathomable by common mind. Each set of idea is countered by equally forceful reason and evidences. I observe the past from a deterministic point of view, where causes lead to effects. While world is more probabilistic in nature here outcomes are driven by invisible or chance events. So, how analysing the past can help me in documentation and drafting theories and making hypothetical narration about tomorrow. While the other part of brain argues that present is not entirely a random walk in the contingent—culture renders some steps more probable than others. Thinking of an individual is shaped by its surrounding. Inseparable from all narratives is a particular instantiation of politics, identity, and culture.The dilemma of split thinking continues...

In the time when everybody is in quest of high salaries, why I am tending towards some decent job with relaxation ? And in place of adventure and fun, why I am busy in learning about culture and development ? I make writing and reading as much a part of my life as I do eating or listening to music. Amid infinite space, no echo is heard and the questions of soul remain unanswered.

The Wonder Years - 1

While growing up, I was scared to do anything wrong in the school or colony. Assuming and thinking hundred times that action might hurt reputation of mine parents. I was worried about everything. I am still a jerk in the social life but the environment of the school was more suffocating for me. I just didn't go up against all odds, and everything was OK for me.

I was always a model of obedience to the teachers and parents. Progressive parents surely helped me to have broaden mindset over many many things. It was an advantage over those forced to struggle from the outset with prejudices and rigid religious strictures. As the people say - हमारे यहां अपनी दिलचस्पियों के साथ वयस्‍क होने की इजाजत नहीं है। हम दूसरों की उम्‍मीदों के हमदम होते हैं और हमारी ख्‍वाहिशों का कोई मददगार नहीं होता।

I was a real nerd till the age of 19. I rebelled in the hostel life and even shed studies for the sake of starting new chapter in the life. I established a complete new 'me' in those four years. College life helped me to throw that baggage of fear and expectations. I was little frightened of the college administration in those days. The fear of submission and disciplinary action has gone now. Perhaps, because I am financially independent currently. Today, I am not worried about the colleagues and the manager.

Heart is strange thing. Once it falls for someone, it falls like apple under gravity. It does not think, what people will think or say ? And it just cares whether the beloved has heard him or not. That is Love. Once a person taste the freedom, one falls same kind of love with the liberty. And then one say the right thing at the right time in the right place.

Once a person become independent economically and socially, the society wants him/her to be married and settled. Its quite insane when society pushes girls/boys in the marriage before their thinking buds can open. A society that gives time to youth on its own expense to youth to seek their own truth prospers with the knowledge and peace.

People talk about love only and they seemed never to be touched by love. Its scary to consider gifts and lies as a sign of love. Love is a bitter experience for me !

When one observes and attempts to understand with a distancing gaze the circumstances of one's life in a constantly changing world, it gifts one a far bigger overview of the life. That is a first step towards meditation.

Travelouge

In plucking the fruit of memory one runs the risk of spoiling its bloom -Joseph Conard.

A journey back to Nanital has keep me guessing about this quotes. I have grown up in Nanital till the age of five years. There is always a sense of excitement attached to old memories. Especially, of the places where one grows up.

Memories are altered by present day reality and the sweetness is lost. We are grown up on the tales of childhood and in weaving an endearing and engaging past times. There is tale made by elders about ours association with these places. Only fogy scenes appear in the mind about childhood days when even memories were not even saving in the brain. Back then, life was blossoming with the present. Neither care for future and nor drag of yesterday.

When I want to re cherish those moments and reached to the place after twenty years, everything was changed. I was hoping for the time frozen land of my memories welcoming me with a cheer. All the landscape was different than imagined. Strangely, I met the faces who shared their time with me in long back. The passing age had taken place the effect and photographs of the memory were becoming altered with present.

I visited my LKG school back after 22 years. The school has become remain scant of the past. The walls are falling and the church appears as centuries old due to poor maintenance. The whole place appear as an archaeological site but the schooling is still continued. there. New people are there in the school and few classes have been converted to boarding. Memories have fallen into a abyss and given place to the reality.

I didn't visited my UKG school and old house due to this fear of change. A lot have been changed there. UKG school has been converted into hotel. And new constructions and roads have changed the old landscape. This was for the good for the people. I need store of memories to tell stories in the old age. Reality will tamper the timelessness of memories and tales.

May be I am in a making stage of romantic. Preservance slows down the decay yet life always looks full of energy in the past. Only youth and old can bear the risk of being romantic. One full with dreams, enthusiasm and idealism & another with experience and memories. A Realist turns into romantic is a sign of old age. My mind is aging faster than the body !

I am alone and thinking a line of Fyodor Dostoevsky : The characteristics of our romantics are to understand everything, to see everything and to see it often incomparably more clearly than our most realistic minds see it...

In Middle of Nowhere

Let me start with a quotation by Ivan Turgenev :

"And was it his destined part

Only one moment in his life

To be close to your heart?

Or was he fated from the start

to live for just one fleeting instant,

within the purlieus of your heart."

I assume myself as a rebel living on fringes of chaotic thinking. A life full of loneliness and the inability to stop thinking.

Wishing for only a moment of bliss ! Isn't such a moment sufficient for the whole of a man's life?

I wait in the silence. The silence speaks louder than any words.

I am either in Middle of No-where or Middle of Now-Here. Who cares ?

This was supposed to be an elegy of a beautiful dream. May be the dream will never die !

When the distances grow between people with truth, nothing can bring people together.

Destiny is full of co-incidences. May be I am destined to live as an archetype of a perpetual dreamer.

Adios, my friend...

To thine own self be true

Have you ever seen from the top of mountains to the valley and other peaks across or enjoyed never ending boundaries of ocean from the shores. They are irresistible and fascinating view binder. They give us the glimpse into the infinite.

Me

Life is born out of love.
All life is a progression, one moment inspiring the next and so on.
Live with love.

Failure, I love this term.
Carve for success and failure will follow you.
Live without care for past or future.

Enjoy the present in every aspect of life.
Try to put extra effort and everything slip out of hands.
Be effortless and natural.
In a moment, you will learn to love or love to learn.

Be a rebel, not to escape present.
Be a rebel, not by the desire to prove yours mettle in front of others.
Be yourself and do what you love,
You will become a rebel.

Go towards the inclination that you love.
Leave the security and Risk the life.
Lifestyle will change and style in life will come.
Live in the infinite...

My World

“I am ok, you are ok, the system sucks”.

This is the world that surrounds me.

Why do so many Indians put up with mediocrity and aren’t even embarrassed by this? F Easier, I suppose, to ignore the boos. Few may be frustrated but exception proves the rule.

I cannot tell you how annoying those “patriotic” types are, that applaud everything mediocre India offers ranging from Bollywood to the IITs, and get upset when you don’t appreciate what is “made” in India. And Icing in the cake comes when they justify each sub standard quality with the phrase TII (This is India).

The root cause of dearth of maverick rebel in India is: (1) Educational institutes are too inefficient to encourage an individual (2) Family & Society has such a crushing hold on people who want to build their own institutions and inspire others with success stories.

Good Intention is ok, Debate is necessary, but both are not sufficient, MUST be followed by action. Debate is powerful and often the initiator of action (which might be undertaken by a subset).

Dear Readers : Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Meri Udaan

Ek Udaan Kab Talak Yun Kaid Rahegi
Rokon Na Chodh Do Ise,
Ek Udaan Hi Sapnon Ko Zindagi Degi
Sapnon Se Jodh Do Ise.

Purani Dalilo Rasmo Ko Sabhi
Abhi Se Kahe Alvida,
Badaltey Dino Ke Tariko Se
Seeche Hum Naya Gulsita.

Love

OSHO talks about the fundamental human falacy on Love with great clarity. “You are Love” , sais OSHO. “The basic fallacy that you are carrying within you is that you always loved somebody. This is one of the most significant things about all human beings; their love is always for somebody, it is addressed – and the moment you address your love, you destroy it. It is as if you are saying, “I will breathe only for you — and when you are not there, then how can I breathe?”

I was believing in idealism and true single love (that is non existential in nature) but both were like day dreaming for an impractical guy. I was waking up each day on the wrong side of bed and think about my failures in personal life. Pain's rooted deep but it passes on surface, after all. It's passing now but an ounce of love was rooted deep in soft corner. I was searching for the true love who can stand by me. Then, I read Osho's discourse on love.

I love, because my love is not dependent on the object of love. My love is dependent on my state of being. So whether the other person changes, becomes different, friend turns into a foe, does not matter, because my love was never dependent on the other person. My love is my state of being. I simply love.

If you cannot love yourself, you don't know even the taste of love or what love means.

Love yourself, so that all your loving sources become open, all blocks are removed. And if you can love yourself -- with all your frailties, with all your weaknesses, with all your errors -- you can love anybody in the world. You will have tremendous compassion and understanding, because you commit the same mistakes; the same are your errors, the same are your frailties.

If you love deeply, by and by you will become aware that your love is becoming more and more meditative. A subtle quality of silence is entering in you. Thoughts are disappearing, gaps appearing -- silences. You are touching your own depth. Love makes you meditative if it is on the right lines. Meditation makes you loving if it is on the right lines.

And if you relate, and don't reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you. Exploring him, unawares you will be exploring yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too. Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation. Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful.

These lines have calmed me down. I am not a right man for a struggle with the reality as it flows out of control. Life is so weird and absurd. I don't know about the future and have only vague idea of my past. Now, I don't even want to know future or remember past. I was trying get over with any form of the love in order to be free. I am living the moment. I am becoming an escapist whose mantra is ‘turn-on, tune-in and move-out’to next venture or zone of curiosity.

Changing Times

A Day Trip to My Alma Mater : One of the best memoir and evaluation done by alumni on IIT system.

The Disadvantages of an Elite Education : Our best universities have forgotten that the reason they exist is to make minds, not careers. - By William Deresiewicz

what do *you* want to do?! -- Author points correctly that forget science, everyone should be prioritizing their activities and asking themselves - is this *really* something *I* want to do?!

Amusing Ourselves To Death : PBH: Huxley Vs. Orwell: Infinite Distractions Or Government Oppression?

My Wishlist of Reading : Yayaver on Flipkart

Reality is both good and bad depending on our view. Torture, suicide and terrorism are the three blind mice of our era with no one knowing clearly which of them is leading us astray. And all of them are born out of religion. They have played a major role in the grisly battle between terror and retribution. Similarly, prostitution is only product of repressed sexuality and marriage without love.

What happens in the initiative of an individual to change society ? First people will ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they feel insulted and fight you, then you win.

Graveyard is a place is full of people who thought that the world can’t do without them. But the world goes on with new ideas and lives. It will go without me also. The black sheep was waiting for turning into suddenly the dark horse. The ambition disappeared and with that black sheep will remain true to its natural form.

Fierce critical interrogation is sometimes the only practice that can pierce the wall of denial consumers of images construct so as not to face that the real world of image-making is political - that politics of domination inform the way the vast majority of images we consume are constructed and marketed.

And this shit has got to stop!

2'o clock in the Friday night at office is a perfect time to break free. I am running out of the office to breathe and searching for a cigarettes to smoke out suffocation. I have just written a poem in my mother tongue. I was like on the verge of explosion due to this restricted lifestyle. I am on the verge of panic.

I am becoming heavily drug addicted to facebook, cricinfo, emails and blogging. 3 days at home had just passed in refreshing facebook status and reading some bull shit about world. And this shit has got to stop! The reality of the world depends on where you stand. Its heaven for some creatures and full of illusion and suffering for me.

The madness and complexity in relations is driving me nuts. Socialization by wearing a humble mask is making me schizophrenic. I wish to return to solitude and silence. Only that can bring order to my chaotic consciousness. Life is calling into the void, the wild inside can't be tamed by false love and sympathy.

I love the fragrance of the earth after the rain. Once upon a time, I was feeling close to the death and understanding of the world expanded exponentially. This increase of sensitivity left me vulnerable, open and fragile. The constraint to go social  is unsettling for me.

I am thinking about my past now. Its the illusion of great childhood. I had grown on the dope of idealism that was necessary also otherwise whole humanity became practical (crooked) till young age. Then, I thought about ours addiction to entertainment . I have seen porn clips and find it highly good sometime. But the question arises here, entertainment can be porn or not ?

Have you ever heard both Hindi and English version of 'Baavra man' song. They are like the old man looking back to his past for un-achieved love and wishes. Death seems to be more close and gives the feeling of mortality.  I relate to him in an unknown way by just hearing this song. Just bleak images of the poster of Wild Strawberries emerge in front of my eyes.

Nothing changes in the world however hard we try. Only death and life is inevitable and true. Rest of all existence is just Kafkaesque or Mithya. I am not even being or ever born. I only exist to understand meaning of the life and death. Its fascinating to live in present and blabber under mental turmoil. I will regret in the morning for this scribbler spirit of the night. These psychedelic moments and post contains enigma of mine life. This moment will pass for never to come back again like me.

Nothing to Write !

Mental idleness leads to aimlessness and eventually despondency. To be a contented and creatively-active person, one has to keep doing something that keeps your zest for life alive and inspires you. For me it is blogging, it makes me feel alive. Today, Nothing to write but a zeal to express is there in the heart.

I am observing that there has been shift towards how much you own, how much you can get paid for some skill that you have, and bargain hard to get the most you can. We've been culturally brainwashed to believe that the average products for average people, compliance, focus on speed and cost (the factory approach) is the one and only way. It's not the ideal situation. People deserve more and have more potential within. I feel that capability rather than domain knowledge is more important;

Today, I find a beautiful paragraph on creativity by a famous poet, Faiz Ahmed Faiz. In 1951 Faiz and a number of army officers were implicated in the so-called Rawalpindi Conspiracy case and arrested under Safety Act. The government authorities alleged that Faiz and others were planning a coup d'etat. He spent four years in prison under a sentence of death and was released in 1955. That is where he wrote about his experience on solidarity. Faiz on himself  --- 

Prison life, like love, is itself a fundamental experience which opens up a new vista of thoughts and insight. The first thing is that, like the dawn of love, all the sensations are again aroused and the mistiness of the early morning and evening, the blue of the sky, the gentleness of the breeze return with the same sense of wonder. And the second thing that happens is that the time and distances of the outside world are negated; the sense of distance and nearness is obliterated in such a way that a single moment weighs on the mind like the day of judgement and sometime the occurrences of a century seem to be like the happenings of yesterday. The third thing is that in the vastness of separation, one gets more time for reading and thinking and for decorating the bride of creativity.

Status Updates

Life is seldom dull for the dissident like me. With too much energy combined with weak concentration forming restlessness is the disease thriving in me. So the seasons of either extreme energy or laziness surrounds my aura. I assume that mine cultural, social, economic and national background takes away the liberty to define myself. I will always be bounded by my social network, no matter what happens in the future. This identity question is really big and complex.

I always think my past and say: Here lives a man amongst us who will stand up and question thyself " Who will right the wrong?" ; There was a man who dared to inspire change or spoke his hearts out while hurting the beliefs of his friends and strangers.

Blog has become a part of my identity now. I love to write but unable to write or read these days. These days, I love my status updates on facebook. Entertainment is huge component of Facebook but its thinking component is much less than in blogging. Twitter is much shallow and works only for those having veil of mystery or stardom. Hence, I don't tweet.

If everyone had a job they loved, entertainment as a concept wouldn’t have been born. Without comparison one doesn't loose own soul in the rat race. Also, no reason to hell bent and prove an identity to society. Few lines to reflect on my attitude towards job is enough.

Today, I must confess that I am scared of the uncertainties the future holds. There is a little bit of hope as the future doesn't fit in the containers of the past. I will end this post with a poem :

Men look to the East for the dawning things,
For the light of a raising sun;
But they look to the West, to the crimson West,
For the things that are done, are done."
from "East And West".
-Douglas Malloch (1877 - 1938)

Eat, Drink and Sleep. Is this a life ?

One more autobiographical account expressed in quotes and personal experiences. Alas ! I wish to look into the nature of things but with no idea, with no prejudice, with no presupposition. Just putting here thoughts that is fabricating my existence at present ---

Can I start from scratch ? If I am thrown out of my job with no family support, could I achieve my goals even then ? This thought is roaming around my mind. I have no practical knowledge of realities except few times what I observed in my limited social life. That's why wanted to pursue the unknown path for an urban youth.

Am I really living ? I always feel like an old soul in a young man’s body. Now, an intensely moving exploration of identity has been halted by newly acquired wisdom. I see the futility of every intentions through duality of actions. Nature is half reveal and half conceal the soul within. So what is this idea of living in an eternal recurrence of hate and love.

If I love you, what business is it of yours? The way to love anything is to realize that it will end next moment. I look to her wondering what she might be thinking but never had courage to say a word. I also have a lot of cupid tales to tell and its always one sided and tragic. This lead to another quoatation: Every Jack has Jill. But I am not Jack :-P

Play it safe: Obedience and blind attachment to the social environment has made me to go for secure life than a risky adventurous trip. Playing safe is out of fear and it is call sacrifice for future and security in the life. I am not victim of my circumstances but a warrior against it...

Loss of an Identity: I want to be free from obligations, bonds and relations. They are appearing burden to me. I am reading Osho's book on Tao from 2 months. It has killed the traces of ambition, sense of morality, urge of an identity and even comparative spirit. I want to become empty and useless then nobody can use me.

It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me : I write to express myself freely in diplomatic world and not to entertain the public. In solitude, my writing has become better. If I’d got diverted to thinking about publicity, my creative powers become weakened. Unhappiness is a natural consequence of a split personality inside me. I want to do what I love !

A past to be erased: I'm a person that always looks back on my life, and it isn't that all pleasant to me. I have a lot of great memories to share; Also, there are really dark memories too and I don't go there. So much overburdened by guilt feeling. Does saying sorry amend the wrong doings ?

Looking backward, walking forward: I had said and written many wrong things about girls in the past. I realized now how wrong and arrogant I was. New insights can't change past, but hoping for forgiveness from everyone.

Independent Life: I fear the habit of subservience is as deeply ingrained in our society as the desire to give orders or to become a follower. A very grave danger to a person’s life is the habit of giving orders. To be bounded by any set of moral rules will make one immoral. I don't say yes or no to morals. They just don't exist for me !

Success breeds confidence: I am avoiding the concept of success or failure as it .I wanna be a living lesson that while slow and steady may not hit the target always, it sure does make the ride worth taking. Unwavering belief in myself and passion to keep striving till very end will help in the life.

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People : Aliveness comes when you are alone. Solitude is the blessing that comes with the curse of loneliness. I love people but without hope. And all of us know expectations hurts. A deadness occurs in relationships when people are no longer willing to share with each other how they really feel. Result comes out as draging burden of responsibilities to avoid confrontation. I came to understand that labeling a relationships don’t allow any freedom. Relations are dynamic in nature...

Touching the Void: Where is the life I have lost in living? The closer I feel to death, the more I realize as alive. I want to sense everything now. The secret for fun in present is to enjoy life and beauty all around but never to want to possess them. As it is said that life is not what one lived but how one remembers it...

Thought of the Day: So often, we give in to our fears because we are afraid of the consequences of our righteous actions. Every time we give in, we lose our dignity little by little, and after a while we lose our self-esteem because we believe in the lie that there are powerful people who have control over our lives. We fail to realise that we can stand up for the truth. - By Mahesh Dattani

My Childhood and Bambi

I started this post to write about ideas. And abruptly, the mood changes. I was lost in the illusory display of childhood days. Imagination weaved reality of our lives daily and archive it as memories. I have also my share of the memories. I had a pencil box with the cover of Bambi movie imprinted on it. It always come in front of my eyes whenever thinking about my life. The sense of surrealism has taken over on my imagination.

When I was 3, then my father lived in Oak Park area at Mallital. I have fainted memory of the school where I did my LKG education. Its name was St John and was established in 1844 and is located near Mallital. I visualize big images of Jesus on the church glasses, LKG class on the first floor and UKG on the ground floor. And I remembered myself baffling with alphabets.

I have good memories of Buck Preparatory School, Nanital. I have completed my UKG from this school. The school was converted into hotel in 1994. Googled about the founder and got the name of Cynthia Buck. She at the age of 91, passed away peacefully on December 26, 2008, in Houston, Texas. Cynthia was a lifelong teacher. She favorably influenced countless lives through the private, preparatory school that she owned in Nainital, India for more than 40 years. Don't know about her few moments ago, now feel almost connected by an invisible thread. Retrieval of the images gives enjoyment. Hand filled with blood cut by rusty iron or getting prize in the dictation test from the principal.

My father is in the forest department. Hence, I grow up at remote places in Nainital for the first 5 years of life. Places were far from the city. I remember wooden houses, fear of going into surrounding jungle, playing with ice and algae or jumping on the terrace landscape; Mother used to remove leeches from my legs whenever I return home in the rainy season. I always watch hawks flying in the sky and myself pissing on the valley side edge of the mountain road. I don't remember faces or name of the people anymore and lot of experiences are lost with the time.

Life appears distant in reality and close in memories. We mature daily and one day few memories just return back and making us to feel like old. 20 years has passed since leaving Nainital and suddenly this nostalgic childhood experiences comes on the surface. People say that memories are deceptive truth. They drag us back in the past that doesn't exist. I disagree.

Memories reflect on the life of the person. Sometimes an inconsequential event, face or news sticks to our mind. It keeps on appearing and disappearing despite however irrelevant or mundane, it is or was. Few things captures moments about past and future. All they appear as dreamy, nostalgic or as if they never occurred to me. The person in the memory seems completely different and full of innocence...

What was there in the past has been lost somewhere along time. The myth is laid on the flimsy framework of reality. Everything is possible and probable now. I gaze everywhere in the room to capture a second forever. And suddenly moments pass. It just cease to exist. And I am new person in the present. The past was/is experience or hallucination... just don't know. Is there any need to know also ?